21-12-12: Survive a Zombie Apocalypse!

Zombie

Today may or may not be the end of the world.

If it is, I am predicting a zombie apocalypse, and armed with my knowledge of zombie movies, I shall guide you to survival with my top tips!

Be prepared!

Be prepared for any apocalypse!

Of course, depending on what zombie movie we are studying, depends on what actions will be required. Because the Shaun of the Dead lazy and stupid zombies need to be treated completely differently to the manic sprinters that are in Dawn of the Dead, Land of the Dead and Zombieland, or the vampire-like zombies in I Am Legend who have wild dog side-kicks, meaning that animals are vulnerable to the infections too!

Now, if you wanted rules specifically for the Zombieland kind of zombies, clearly all you have to do is watch that movie and take down all of the rules that Jesse Eisenberg’s character has in order to survive.

But here are mine:

if-i-became-a-zombie-youd-stay-with-me-right

Back up is always a good idea, but don’t get too attached to one another. This is survival of the fittest. Knowing little about them (like in Zombieland) is a smart idea.

1. Find strong back up. Of course your friends and family will be you priority, but if you’re going at this alone keep in mind that skills are what will keep you alive.

Look out for fit people with weapons or survival skills. Army dudes and people with medical training can only help.

If all else fails, find yourself a gamer. They’re in huge supply, they have quick reflexes, are stealthy, competitive and know [the theory of] handling weapons. Their body clocks are usually out of whack too, so they will happily be on watch duty at night.

2. Keep moving! As soon as you decide to hunker down you’ll be sitting ducks and that’s when you have more chance of being bored which may cause you to make more noise, therefore, attracting more attention to yourselves. Being bored increases the danger of turning on your fellow companions, or at least going a little bit mad. Plus, if you stay in one place the zombies will sniff you out anyway.

miami-zombie-00

It doesn’t matter who or what started the zombie apocalypse – you’re finishing it! So be prepared.

3. Get armed! Knives and blunt objects, but guns will be the best option. Think of who might have weapons and team up/steal them (the weapons, not the owner of them).

If you ever get into a sticky situation, you need to know that you can protect yourself against a zombie killing machine. Aim for the head.

4. Most zombies do not possess a great natural ability to climb. So stay high! Keep above ground by climbing trees if in a rural setting, or using rooves in a suburban setting. Under ground can only be an option if it is super secure, not just a basement like in Shaun of the Dead because they will find you, and not many basements have more than one exit. At least two is essential!

5. With this huge lifestyle change, you can’t forget the basics! Keep clean, stay hydrated, get rest and stay healthy. If you have food available, still check the expiry dates! Milk past its use by date is not good for anyone, zombie apocalypse or not.

zombie-land-talahasse-with-twinkies-flat-smaller6. Have a goal. For most people getting to a safe house they heard of is what drives them, or finding the cure or getting a way better vehicle than they already have. For some, it is to get from ‘anywhere but here’/find a rescue team of some kind, and for others it is to find Twinkie bars… In any case, having a purpose is the simplest way to keep alive AND to stay sane!

7. Drive. Staying on foot means much less protection from a zombie attack. Of course, keep in mind fuel is actually necessary to keep a car going. Make sure fuel is always available by staying in deserted suburbia near the petrol stations or even better, keeping cans of petrol in the car with you.

Your life is about to change, there is no point in holding on to previous habits.

Your life is about to change, there is no point in holding on to previous habits.

1. DON’T: provoke zombies. After becoming acclimatised to your situation, you may become bored without your technology – iPods, laptops, mobile phones etcetera (since electricity most likely would have been shut off, and in any case, many people would not have time to check Facebook/are dead). But use your excess time wisely, grow vegetables, find a library and get some survival books. But do not use zombies as your source of entertainment! This could be fatal. You are no longer on the top of the food chain, people!

STOP thinking, and get on with it!

STOP thinking, and get on with it!

DON’T hesitate about stealing stuff. Never been rebellious before? Don’t worry! If you need food but there is no supermarket check out assistant, it is now acceptable to steal! Need to get some new clothes? Break into the nearest vacant house (with caution) and take them – just do it! No need to knock either. Just kick the door down – even if it is unlocked! When confronted by zombies, witty comments are always desirable before killing them/running away. You have to be a badass now. You need to be a ruthless killer. Start acting like it!

3. DON’T think like a zombie. That’s the quickest way to finding yourself as a zombie. It didn’t work for Bill Murray in Zombieland, and it only worked for the people in Shaun of the Dead because their zombies were stupid. Also because they were in a comedy. YOU ARE NOT IN A COMEDY. You are in a horror – think that way. Even in small ways, if you hear something down stairs – don’t go down to check it out! Jump out the window and run! Haven’t seen Scream? Maybe you should! Brush up on your horror movie rules before becoming a part of an apocalypse.scream rules

4. DON’T be deceived by safety in numbers. You reckon you’ll be safe in the city? Think again! The more people you’re surrounded by, the quicker you’ll become surrounded by a crap load of zombies! Disease spreads rapidly in crowded areas, so don’t be a sheep, get moving!

Dead endGood luck guys! Those are just a few pearls of wisdom from me, I’m sure you have many more, so feel free to share them in a comment or on my NZ Film Freak Facebook page… While you still can!

Happy 21st of December to you! :)

Jodie.

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About Jodie (NZ Film Freak)

I am a journalism graduate (2014) from New Zealand. I enjoy writing on my blog about films and songs, plus the odd random thought. Currently working as a writer in UK. Follow me on Twitter @NZFilmFreak and like my Facebook page NZ Film Freak. Follow my travels around the world www.jodiehart.co.nz
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